Ask, don't tell

In one paragraph

When somebody brings you a problem, the instinct is to solve it. Asking a question instead is slower, more irritating, and produces a solution that actually happens.

Telling is fast and it feels efficient. It also does three things you did not intend: it makes you the bottleneck for every future decision, it removes ownership from the person, and it means you never find out what they actually thought.

Asking is slower in the moment and compounds in your favour. The person works it out, owns the answer, and is more likely to come back with a proposal rather than a problem next time.

The practical version

The useful questions are boring: What have you tried? What do you think we should do? What is stopping you? What would you do if I were away this week?

The last one is the most effective. Most people already have the answer and are checking whether they are allowed to use it.

How to actually use it

• Impose a rule on yourself: two questions before any answer. It is uncomfortable for about a fortnight.
• If you genuinely do need to tell — because it is urgent or a matter of safety — say so explicitly. 'I'm going to tell you this one, and here's why' preserves the norm.

Where it breaks down

• It can become a game where everyone knows you have the answer and are withholding it, which is worse than telling. Ask because you are curious, not as a technique.
• In a genuine emergency, ask nothing and give the instruction.

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